i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
