the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
