I am in a vortex of obligation.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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