we made out on top of his cat.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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