i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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