just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
