I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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