so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
