Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
