They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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