Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
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I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
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I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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