M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
