i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
