Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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