I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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