Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
