YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
