Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
