True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
