There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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