I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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