i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
