I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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