there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
