I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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