help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
