She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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