There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
