I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
