"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
