shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize