Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
