i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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