my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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