It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
