i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
