I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
