I am spending my child support on dildos
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
