i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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