I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
