ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
