I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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