i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
