If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
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There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level