I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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