I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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