It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
