I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
