my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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