Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
