fuck your aforementioned shoe
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
