Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
