I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
