does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
