can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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