She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
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Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
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I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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