I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize