nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
