Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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