Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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