does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
