I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
